Happy Friday afternoon. I thought this the perfect time to share one of my all time favourite donger stories so, no more mucking around, here goes, an excerpt from Sweet Dreams of Fanta.
I walk up to where my bag is at the grandstand and decide to get changed. As I bend down to pick my bag up I feel the sharpest ever pain in my whole life. I almost fall over! It feels like someone has just stabbed me with a big knife right in my willy. The pain goes up through my eyeballs but it’s coming straight from my donger!
“That was such a good race, Liam!”
Nicole’s now standing next to me and pats me on the shoulder.
“Hawwwhhhh…”
I let out a quick breath and make a frightened noise. Nicole kneels down to look me in the eye.
“Are you ok Liam?”
I still have the towel covering me and turn a little bit to the side so that not Nicole or anyone else can see. Just turning a tiny bit makes the pain even worse. What have I done? I hunch down and pull the top of my swimmers forward and look at my willy.
“Oh no…”
“Liam, what is it? Are you ok?”
Nicole pulls the side of the towel down and looks over my shoulder to see exactly what I see.
“Oh shit!”
The bow of the double knot I tied in the cord of my speedos is wrapped tight as tight can be around my donger! My willy looks redder than a little frankfurter from Woolies with some string cutting it in half!
“Haawwwhhhh mummmyyy.”
It hurts so much! Nicole wraps the towel around me and grabs me by the shoulders to lead me to the toilets.
“Just don’t think about it, ok, Liam. Just breathe.”
We walk down the stairs on the side of the grandstand and every step I feel like someone is cutting my willy in two. My poor willy! I squeeze my hands together as hard as I can to take the pain away. Dad taught me this trick when I fell off the BMX and grazed my elbow. He says your body can only feel pain in one spot. If you want to take pain away from one place then just squeeze your hands really, really hard and your brain will only feel pain in that place. It doesn’t work. My hands don’t hurt at all but my willy is on fire. I don’t think I can keep walking.
“Come on, Liam. We’re almost there.”
Nicole pushes me along and I just hope my willy hasn’t fallen off completely. We make it to the disabled toilets halfway to the proper change rooms. Phew. Nicole opens the door and we go in.
“You sure you’re ok?”
I hunch down and squeeze my hands together as hard as I possibly can. It still doesn’t take the pain away. Nicole makes me stand up straight.
“Haaawwhhhhhh.”
Just standing up makes my willy burn like a bushfire.
“It’s ok, we’ll get that cord off.”
Nicole pulls the top of my speedos back and looks at the cord stuck around my willy.
“Liam, you have to hold your donger still and I’ll try and loosen the cord.”
She tries to get her fingernail under the cord and loosen it but it’s so tight she can’t. I’m crying and scared because it hurts so much and the end of my donger is turning dark purple.
“Here, here. Lie down.”
She makes me lie down flat and she can try to jiggle the cord free. I’m about to die. I know I am. This is more pain than you should ever feel but all of a sudden Nicole wriggles the cord free and it starts to loosen like magic.
“Haaaawwwhhhhhhh…pheeewwwwwww.”
I let out the biggest breath of my life. It’s all going to be ok. Nicole starts laughing like crazy.
“Sheeeshh. Close one hey?”
I sit up straight and pull my speedos on properly around my waist. I can feel all the blood rushing back to my willy and start laughing too. I never knew it was possible to feel so much pain in my willy. I never want to feel it again. Nicole reaches over to pat me on the shoulder.
“Is that ok now?”
My willy feels all light and tingly. It feels great and warm too, like when you take a wizz first thing on a cold morning up against a tree.
“I’m ok now, Nicole. You saved my willy.”
We both crack up laughing louder than ever and Nicole pushes down on my shoulder to stand up.
“Maybe when you tie up your speedo cord from now on leave it a bit looser. A single knot is just fine, sunshine. What ya reckon? Forget those double knots, hey?”
I nod and smile. She’s right. I tie my speedos way too tight. It’s stupid. And it’s dangerous. I stand up and tie a single.
“Thanks, Nicole.”
She scruffs my hair up just like Pop then walks out and closes the door behind her. I take another deep breath. I pull the front of my speedos forward enough to look down at my willy and turn the pee pee hole up towards me.
“You’re ok now, little buddy.”
It’s not dark purple anymore. It’s pink and red just like normal with the brown freckle next to my pee pee hole. It’s always been there. I think Dad used to leave me out in the sun too long when I was only a baby without any clothes and that’s how I got my willy freckle. I like it. Not like my other stupid freckles all over my fat face.
I pull my speedos back to where they should be and make sure the cord is extra loose and on the outside of my cozzies where they can’t do any harm. I’ve learnt my lesson. That was a close one.
Where ever you are now Nicole, let me just repeat once more, thank you so much for saving my willy. And everyone else, if you'd like to read all of Sweet Dreams of Fanta, in paperback or on kindle, head here: